In-N-Out Burger: The I Love You Story.

Oh man am I ever bad at keeping my website updated!

I’m in California and couldn’t be happier to escape the brutal Canadian winter. This one is a real doozy so far.

1st stop was San Francisco for Sketch Fest and it was such a blast! Great shows, great people, great food and so much drinking. Can we talk about happy hour in America? From 4-7 I am truly so so happy. Cheap Cheap CHEAP! Happy hour hopping along the pier in San Fran is the most fun I’ve had in a while. Who knew that $5 prosecco and $1 oysters could make all your troubles melt away? The only problem with happy hour is that one get’s hammered by 10PM and is in bed by $11. We learned how to pace ourselves as the week went on.

We then drove from San Fran to LA for the next portion of our trip. The highlight for me(other than the beautiful tumble weed) was stopping at In-N-Out burger. Oh buddy I love that place. They do one thing but they do it great. My favourite is a double cheese burger, animal style. For those of you who havent’ had In-N-Out Burger before, do yourselves a favour and march down to California NOW. If that is not an option, go to Burgers Priest in Toronto. Although it’s quite a bit pricier and their burgers are more elaborate, it’s the closest thing I have found to In-N-Out. They ever say that In-N-Out was one of their inspirations!

We arrived in LA on a rainy night(I thought it wasn’t supposed to rain in LA?!) with bellies full of burgers and excitement for the week ahead. Obviously the first thing we did the next morning was go to Trader Joe’s. Trader Joe’s is a grocery store that is like a cheaper, way cooler Whole Foods. Just ask Christina Walkinshaw. She has a major hard on for TJ’s, as most respectable women do. I just needed to buy some fruit and vegetables because I had been cramming my body full of pizza, burgers, beer and chowder for a whole week in San Fran. I found my favourite wine, Ravenswood, for $8. This wine is $18 in Toronto. California is a wino’s dreamland. I would like to reenact the movie Sideways here.

I’m proud to say that I’ve eaten 3 salads since being here and been on 2 hikes. The first one was at Griffith Park. We trudged up sketchy looking trails, ate funky turkey jerky on top of a mountain and tromped over to the observatory. Today we did Runyon Canyon. Lots a cool 20 somethings in technicolor running shoes accompanied by small adorable dogs. This is more of a people watching hike, although it is still hard and made me want to barf for a second. Did I mention I got In-N-Out last night again at 1am? The burger was bouncing around my gullet for the whole hike.

What makes this trip to LA so special(Other than In-N-Out) is the fact that there are SO many Canadians here! I feel like I’m back in Toronto, except the weather is way better and you have to drive everywhere. I’ve been enjoying the sun, the beach, the mountains, the food, the shows, the Canadians and new friends.

I’m staying in a funky neighborhood called Silverlake at an Air Bnb. Our hosts are lovely and they have a beautiful husky named Odin. Now, if you excuse me, I have a dog to pet.

Hugs,

Julia

PS: I plan on getting In-N-Out burger several more times before I leave. I need to bulk up and get an extra layer of warmth to survive the remainder of this cold canadian winter!

West Coast Comedy

So, I’ve been back in Toronto a week tomorrow, but I really needed some time to decompress before I wrote this blog.

November 11th I set off to the Seattle International Comedy Competition in GUESS WHERE? Alabama! Just kidding, it was obviously in Seattle. At least I thought it would be be most shows were actually outside of Seattle including Bellingham, Bellevue, Renton, Auburn and Kirkland. Over 1300 comedians applied, and only 32 made it in. Lucky me! From there they split the 32 into 2 groups of 16 for the preliminary round. Six shows over six night. I was in round  2 and only the top 5 from each group would move on to the semis.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for this emotional mind fuck. Comedy competitions are a strange thing because comedy is so subjective. So when you see your set broken down into a series of numbers and decimals on a graph it’s very strange and unsettling. Alas, I was the one who applied to this competition so I new (kinda) what I was getting into.

I won’t go into the details of each night because I feel like I’ve talked it to death with other comedians who were going through the same thing and friends and family back home. I will say that I was was doing extremely well over the 1st 3 nights of the comp. I felt confident in my material and was having fun on stage. I was doing my jokes, the way I like doing them and wasn’t trying to cater to the judges. (because how the heck would I know what they like anyway? we’re not allowed to know who the judges are!)

I took first place at the Market Theatre which was the only actual show in Seattle proper. It also happened to be my birthday that night. It was a magical evening and I’ve never given myself such a wonderful present. I haven’t felt that excited, shocked, happy and proud in a long time. The next night I placed 15th. I went from feeling the biggest high to the biggest low. What happened you ask? I second guessed myself and my material. It was TV clean night, and I have a whole set prepared. Last minute I took some advice(that was truly meant to be helpful) and I ended up switched my set at the final hour! It was 20 minutes before I was about to go on, and here I was trying to jam a whole new set into my head. Jokes I thought the “TV clean” judges would like. I don’t mind the jokes I told. I actually like them and think they’re some of my more well written and clever jokes. However, I usually do them in a longer set after the audience has gotten to know and trust me. Here I was, cramming these jokes into a 5 minute set, worried about going over time. I felt like I had left my body and nervous Julia from 6 years ago came in to tell my jokes.

I know now that I have to trust myself and my instincts. Sometimes I look to others for the answers when I should be looking to myself. Even if I hadn’t done well with my original set, it would have felt a million times better than failing with a set I didn’t even want to do.

That night shook my confidence and while I was happy with the last two shows, I didn’t rank as high with the judges. On the last night I took 14th place which was perhaps the biggest kick in the face of all. I had a great set that night, even after the host went on a told jokes that didn’t go over well and said “well, now that I’ve killed the crowed, give it up for your next comedian Julia Hladkowicz!”. At that point I realized that you can’t base your talent or your worth off of what 3 judges that night think. It was so hard in the moment because I finished 7th overall and was half a point away from making it to top 5 and moving on. There were no female comics in the top 10 which was upsetting because we had some seriously hilarious women in our round.

After feeling sorry for myself, crying a bit and then laughing and drinking a bunch of rum and cokes I realized how lucky I was to even be in this competition competing with so many wonderful comedians. I made some real friendships with people from so many different US cities and even from Australia. I am so proud of my fellow canadian pals that moved onto the semis, and then again to the finals. This competition breaks you, but makes you stronger.

When I didn’t move on, I managed to take a negative and turn it into a positive. Instead of flying back to Toronto I decided to embark on a mini west coast adventure. It was a rewarding and magical experience that I’ll tell you all about in my next blog. Come back in a few days!

 

 

Pumpkin Party

It’s fall!

The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping and people are packing on the pounds because WHO GIVES A DAMN. I can’t blame my gaining a few pounds on fall though. The past 2 weeks have been filled with JFL42 festivities and the Canadian Comedy Awards in Ottawa. Needless to say I was constantly drinking and eating a lot of cheese. (Because cheese is amazing always, and especially great when you’ve wet your whistle.) By the way, The CCAF was SO much fun. All my comedian pals were dressed to the nines and we celebrated the abundance of talent we have in this country by getting wasted. YAY

I love this time of year because it feels like a new beginning. I start to take on new projects, buy new fall clothes, and eat more fall foods. What are fall foods you ask? Any kind of thing you’d consider comfort food, and anything pumpkin.

Pumpkins are full of vitamins and are delicious is many forms, including pies. Who doesn’t love pie?! Today I’m going to make a pumpkin loaf and tomorrow I think I’ll try a pumpkin smoothie. I know, living on the edge guys. Also, can we talk about the gourds that are jazzing up my dining room table? So cute.

With thanksgiving and halloween coming up, I can’t help but be drawn to colourful oranges, yellows and reds. Also sunflowers are cheaper than regular flowers right now, and a pumpkin lasts as a decorative centrepiece for months, and then you can throw it at your arch nemesis. (JUST KIDDING I LOVE EVERYONE HAAAAAA)

What am I doing when I’m not buying gourds you ask? Oh, just working on my very first screenplay AND sitcom. I know. I haven’t written an episode of a sitcom in 5 years, and now I decide to write a movie and a full sitcom all at the same time. I’ve finally been inspired to write more than just sketch and stand-up again. It’s a different muscle that needs to be developed. I may be slacking at getting real muscles at the gym, but I am pumping my writing muscles and each day getting stronger. It helps to have a good support group of people you can share your writing with or people who will drag you out to a cafe to write so you don’t sit on your ass all day and watch Breaking Bad on UK Netflix. (also, have you SEEN what’s on UK Netflix? So good.)

Pumpkin loaf is cooking as we speak. I used a can pumpkin because it’s much less work than roasting a whole pumpkin AND the flavour of canned pumpkin works better in the loaf in my opinion. It’s pure pumpkin too, not the canned pie filling with sugar and whatnot.

Considering this is a comedy blog I sure do talk about food a lot eh? Perhaps I should tell some pumpkin jokes…

1) tiny pumpkins look like gourds who used proactive AM I RIGHT?
2) why did the pumpkin cross the road? HE DIDN’T SOME ASSHOLE TEENAGER THREW HIM AGAINST HIS WILL.
3) knock knock. who’s there? orange. orange who? orange ya glad I don’t tell pumpkin jokes for a living?

BURN. Speaking of burn, I should check my loaf.

LOAF IS LOOKIN’ GOOOOOD. It’s too hot to taste right now but I’m sure it’ll be divine.

That’s all for now folks. If you took anything away from this blog today, buy something festive. Gourds and pumpkins are cheap and will make you feel so alive. PS SIDE NOTE. Diana Love and I are starting bi-weekly show at The Fountain (Dundas/Dovercourt) called FOUNTAIN ABBEY. It’s going to be a riot and the first show is October 15th at 8PM. SEE YOU THERE!!!

Hugs,

Julia

WE’RE DOING IT

Hello friends in blog land!

I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS. If you’re having a hard time reading all these words with your eyes, you can now just LISTEN to me with your ears! I have a new podcast called ‘WE’RE DOING IT’ with my hilarious and talented comedian friend, Amanda Brooke Perrin.

Each week on We’re Doing It, we do something different! Something that we normally wouldn’t do. As comedians, it’s easy to get stuck in a routine of writing, going to open mics and hanging out with other comedians. We decided that it was time to spice things up and try new things. Each week we also have a guest on our podcasts including comedians, writers, producers, managers and just regular people!

Go to iTunes to download WE’RE DOING IT right now! iTunes said we were NEW AND NOTEWORTHY! Download, subscribe, rate, comment! You can also follow us on twitter @WDIpodast @juliacomedy @brookeperrin

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/were-doing-it/id677440412?mt=2

or if you don’t have iTunes you can check it out at weredoingit.libsyn.com

We’re doing it and we think you should do it too!!

Hugs,

Julia

 

HLADKOWICZ HEADLINES YUK YUKS TORONTO

I’M YELLING BECAUSE I’M EXCITED!

This week, from July 24-27 I have my very first headline week at Yuk Yuks! I’ve been doing stand-up for about six years now and this is a big deal for me.

When I first started, I was young and had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Now, I am still fairly young and have no idea what I’m talking about. (Well, I have an idea…but still a lot to learn.) It’s crazy to think back to my first set at Yuk Yuks. Back then I couldn’t even imagine talking for 40 minutes on stage and making people laugh. I was barely able to get my 4 minute set out without vomiting on the front row.

I’m now 25 years old. Sometimes I get down on myself and think I should have accomplished more by now. Why am I not in a sitcom? Why am I not writing on a sitcom? Why am I not in LA? Why am I not at Just For Laughs?

I think I know the answer to these questions. Probably because the time isn’t right. Probably because I’m not actually ready but if I keep working hard, these things will come. Comedy is a very unpredictable business and you can’t always foresee a clear path. There are things I have accomplished over the past 6 years that weren’t on my comedy bucket list. Opportunities that I didn’t even know were possible! So right now, as I sit in bed forcing myself to be positive because I’m having a last minute panic about life and my comedic/acting abilities(yes this is a run on sentence) I’m going to focus on some of the things I have accomplished.

1) I have performed in many comedy festivals in America and eaten my fair share of grits
2) I’ve been in 2 hilarious commercials with Roger Federer and I saw him topless
3) I’m currently in a Sportsnet commercial where I look like a ‘sexy’ russian science ghost


4) Some old guy just told me he loves my ‘work’ on YTV’s extreme baby sitting
5) I have a comedy special called ‘No Kidding’ on iChannel that nobody has ever seen
6) I’m in a disco documentary that premiered at TIFF and got to wear fake eyelashes


7) A girl at Sneaky Dee’s recognized me from Vine
8 ) I performed 10 times last week
9) I wear a black afro wig about once a week to bring joy to myself and the world
10) I’m 25 and I’m headlining Yuk Yuks Downtown Toronto this week and I’m ready. Cool.

So come to Yuk Yuks this week to see me perform. I will not be wearing fake eye lashes or a wig but it will still be great.

Wednesday: 8PM
Thursday: 8PM
Friday: 9PM
Saturday: 8PM & 10:30PM

www.yukyuks.com for ticket reservations and info.

See you guys there!

Hugs,

Julia

I’ve always (not really) depended on the kindness of strangers.

Oh hello there!

It’s a beautiful day here in Toronto, SO hot in fact I think my patio furniture is melting. I guess that’s my own fault for buying an entire patio set for $70 at Walmart.

So, I don’t know if it’s the heat but in the last couple weeks I’ve noticed that people are behaving like children lately. Not those cute kids who sit quietly and play in the sand and you just want to pinch their cute little faces. Those asshole kids who throw sand in your face then say sorry even though they’re really not and continue to terrorize the playground.

Here’s the thing, kids are allowed to be assholes, because they’re still learning. They don’t know any better. But adults, whether they be your friends, family or strangers, should know better. When did strangers become so bold? Perhaps it’s the influx of social media where we’re constantly being bombarded by other people’s lives, but I’m finding more and more people online and in person are telling you what they think-when you didn’t ask for it. Now, I realize that I’m writing a blog right now, and telling you what I think but it’s for you to decided whether or not you’d like to read it. I’m not putting this blog on audio books and shoving headphones in your ears and forcing you to listen to it.

So here’s what happened. My best friend and Comedian Diana Love has some acne. She’s very aware of this, and while she does not love her acne, she deals with it. For some reason, strangers feel the need to point this out to her ALL THE TIME. Some want to be helpful, some are curious and some are just dicks. Whatever their motivation is, I would kindly like to say to them SHUT THE FUCK UP. As if she doesn’t know that she has acne?! Way to bring it up COMPLETE STRANGER. Perhaps the most upsetting incident was when a dude came into her work to fix the printers. He looks at her, makes a  finger motion to his face and asks ‘What’s going on here’. She just started at this cock smoker blankly. He CONTINUED by saying ‘is it allergies? sun?’ to which she replied “It’s the herpes I got from banging you mom” NO. I lied. She did not say that. But that would have been amazing. Why is it this mans business at all? You were hired to do a job. Do it. The job description of printer fixer man does not say ‘and bring up something on the customers face. just to make it awkward for everyone.’ Check out the link below to find out the full story from Diana Love!

http://dianalovecomedy.tumblr.com/post/55697274859/little-venty-poo

I just finished reading Jen Kirkman’s book ‘I can barely take care of myself’.’ In short, it’s a book about her being child free by choice, and how some people just can’t understand that and feel the need to constantly ask her and shame her about it. There’s many instances in the book where complete strangers find out she doesn’t want to have kids and bombard her with questions, call her selfish, tell her she’s going to change her mind. Jen doesn’t want to have a child because that’s her choice. But what if she did want to have a child and was barren? What if she did have some debilitating disease that stopped her from reproducing? What if she had just had a miscarriage? What if she actually didn’t have a vagina and was like some weirdo Barbie? What I’m trying to say is, you have NO idea why people make these choices and frankly it’s none of your business STRANGERS. You don’t know what’s going on with Diana’s face and she doesn’t want you to know. The same way that Jen doesn’t want you to analyze who why where when or what is going to fertilize her eggs or not. These are personal issues. Also, her book is awesome. Read it.

I had my own run in yesterday on Vine. Oh the fun things that happen on Vine! Vine is an app where you can post 6 second videos about anything. I make funny videos, because I am a comedian. I was almost at 800 followers the other day so Matt and I decided to make a Vine celebrating that! In it , I’m wearing a grey tank top and shorts. Matt says ‘you almost have 800 followers on Vine are you excited?’ and then it cuts to me looking sad holding a sparkler and ‘celebrate good times’ is playing in the background.

 

I looked dumpy in the video, but that was the point! I thought it was funny so I posted it. The next day I get a comment from a complete stranger…”Are…are you pregnant Julia?? You look gorgeous btw!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. I am so ticked off I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, WHO ARE YOU? Second of all NEVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S PREGANT UNLESS YOU ARE 100% SURE.  Obviously she didn’t know if it was appropriate to ask because of her ellipsis. “Are…(oh shit I probably shouldn’t ask this but I’m so curious about this woman I know nothing about) are you pregnant?” AND THEN as if saying “You look gorgeous btw!” makes it any better??? Golly gee Amy Jackson, my fat pregnant ass is just glowing with all this baby growing inside me! Thanks for noticing!

 

I’m sure this wasn’t a malicious comment but keep this shit to yourself lady. Even when I was a kid I knew this was wrong. In grade 3 during a parent teacher interview, my friends mom went it to talk to our teacher, who was quite robust. The FIRST thing she says to the teacher is ‘When are you expecting’. !!!!!%$*&)(*_))(%#$%^*&$^%#$& !!!! and the teacher says “I’m. Not. Pregnant.”  Where the fuck do you go from there? “Now let’s talk about how your kid is failing math and how I want to punch you right in the vagina”

It never ends well. Luckily, I am a thin person but like so many woman I do have body issues and no matter how beautiful or fit a person is, no one likes to be told they look fat. What if I had gained weight and was feeling self conscious? What if I was formerly anorexic and finally getting back to a healthy weight? This pregnant comment could have been extremely hurtful and potentially dangerous. It bothers me because my boyfriend Matt who is in tons of my Vine videos has a bigger stomach that he flaunts all the time and he’s hilaaaaarious. (he really is. that wasn’t sarcasm) But when I looks dumpy in ONE video I’m all the sudden preggers? Go fuck yourself.

At least now I can make a hilarious pregnant Vine rebuttal, because that’s how I deal with my issues. By passive aggressively Vining and blogging.

Bottom line is, keep some shit to yourself people. Two wise women once said ‘If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it’s NONE OF YO BUSINESS’ -Salt-N-Pepa

And they were right. It IS none of yo business.

PS look how cute and unpregnant I look in this bathing suit.

Hugs,

Julia

 

Post NXNE Blues

North By North East is OVER.  I am sad.

If you don’t know what NXNE is, you’re a loser. (KIDDING! You’re all amazing.) NXNE is a music/comedy festival that takes place every summer in Toronto. It’s most bands, but 3 years ago they introduced comedy and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I don’t know the exact numbers, but it’s a million bands and comedians performing at a billion venues over 5 days. The whole city is buzzing with excitement!*

*drunk hipsters, sassy 905′ers and confused older people.

There are so many different styles of music and bands that there is something for everyone, no matter what your taste is. I’m not a huge music buff, so when I flipped though the NXNE programme I didn’t know 98% of the bands. I recognized Ludacris(who headlined the whole fest at yonge and dundas square which I did not attend because I hate crowds of screaming people and I was way too hung over.) (just as a side note, I do not use parentheses properly but I don’t really care;)

I also saw that the band called The Balconies was playing a few shows. My friend from high school, Jacquie, is the lead singer. THEY’RE FREAKING AWESOME. I’m not just saying that because she’s my pal. She’s an incredible front woman for the band and their songs are catchy and sound great live. It would be awkward if they sucked and I had to pretend to like them. But trust me, they’re great. You will like them too!

So aside from Luda, The Balconies and then comedians, I didn’t really know who anyone else was. But the great thing about being an artist in NXNE is that you get an artist pass! VIP MAW FUCKAS! They gave us front of the line access to all shows which made me feel pretty cool. The nights that I wasn’t performing I went to events and checked out other random bands just to see/hear something new.

NXNE kicked off on Tuesday with a party at The Drake hotel. Some friends came over and we got all fancy and wine drunk before heading off to the launch party. Needless to say, I think everyone there got too drunk. The end of the night was blurry but I remember finishing it off with a slice of greasy pizza and a smile on my face.

Wednesday I had a show at The Lot and Thursday I checked out some bands at the Painted Lady and Dakota Tavern. Dakota is probably one of my favourite music venues in the city. Good food too.

Friday I went to see The Balconies play an outdoor concert with FREE BEER! It was 6PM which doesn’t seem too early to start drinking, but because I had 2 shows that night (one at 2AM) it probably wasn’t the best idea. Then I ran off to do my second show at the Tranzac. Unfortunately there wasn’t really a turn out. The Tranzac is typically known as a music venue and isn’t really conducive for comedy. High ceilings, big creaky stage AND no one had a damn clue that comedy was happening there. It was a bummer. Especially because the headliner was Big Jay Oakerson from New York who is absolutely hilarious.

To finish off the night I dragged my ass to Comedy Bar to do Strip Comedy at 2AM. Strip Comedy is a show where there a 2 judges, and you tell your jokes. If a joke bombs, you take off a layer of clothing. It sounds insane but it’s quite fun. I wore a bunch of layers and my last layer was a giant black afro wig suffer into my boyfriends gross undies to make it look like I had huge pubes. Luckily my set went well and I only took off 2 layers. I flashed the audience my bush at the end, because I put a lot of effort and thought into that crotch wig! Also, I saw a few man balls. Some male comics love getting naked. It’s strange. But who am I to judge!?

Saturday was the Comedy Records BBQ that involved more alcohol, burgers and dance parties. I later ended up at Comedy Bar to catch the end of Greg Behrendt’s set(so funny-and he’s such a nice guy too-chatted with him after the show-not bragging or anything…) and then watched a hilarious improv show. (also don’t know how to use these – things.)

Finally, using my last few ounces of energy I ended up at the Joey Badass concert at Wrongbar. It was so fun! I don’t usually find myself at live hip hop shows but this was a lot of fun. Evntually it got too hot and sweaty and jerks kept knocking into me, or standing directly in front of me and I started to get lippy. I decided for my safety that I would leave. (Sometimes I run my mouth like an idiot, which can be super fun)

Sunday began with a big hangover and a shitty brunch. Because it was the last day on NXNE I forced myself to go out. I saw a live podcast called Bit Shop hosted my Matt O’Brien and Evan Desmarais and they had special guest Big Jay Oakerson. Then caught a show at comedy bar and saw my very last 2013 NXNE show at The Lot. Big Jay headlined and fucking destroyed. He’s such a great story teller and is so comfortable onstage. It was a great end to a jam packed week. A jam packed week where I drank booze like it was water and kept a healthy diet of burgers, pizza and chicken wings.

My boyfriend and I made a pact that we wouldn’t drink for a week after NXNE. I also said I wouldn’t eat fried foods. So far so good. On this boring Monday I can’t help but feel a bit sad. I put all my other life/career stuff on hold for the week of NXNE. I wanted to fully enjoy it without worrying or feeling guilty about not being productive. It was great while it lasted but now that reality has set in and my body is coming down from the adrenaline I feel like shit. My To Do list today was as long and annoying as a Sweet Valley High novel, but I got through half of it! (Just kidding, I used to love Sweet Valley High. The old ones. I’d buy them at used book stores.)

NXNE was a welcome distraction. Now, back to worrying about my career!

Like they say, anxiety breeds success! (No one says that)

See you next year a NXNE. Make sure you see some comedy!

xo

Julia

 

Ye Olde “C WORD” Blog.

*PLEASE NOTE THIS BLOG USES THE C WORD! IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ/SEE/THINK ABOUT THE C WORD THEN THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR YOU!

Now that my ‘cunt’ disclaimer is over with, onto ye olde cunt blog.

It’s not every day that you get called a cunt, and boy am I glad it’s not. It’s such a razor sharp word that people use as the ultimate swear (except for Britain, New Zealand, and Australia where people seem to toss it around willy nilly and use it as more of an endearing term).

Cunt is not the real problem here. If there is a time in my life where I’m being a cruel heartless human being, then maybe it would be good for someone to call me a cunt. My problem is when teenage boys just throw it around on the internet.

Everyone, boys and girls, young and old, can be really cruel on the internet. Slamming someone from the safety of you moms basement while hiding behind your keyboard and mowing down Doritos is way easier than actually doing something productive and positive with your life.

However, it’s the teenage/20 something boys who I find can be extra cruel, especially when it comes to women. At least that’s who targets me.

Today I got called a cunt on Vine. For those of you who don’t know, Vine is an app much like Instagram where one can post 6 second videos. They can be whatever you want them to be. About a week ago I posted a Vine(I’ll admit, it wasn’t very clever or funny but that’s not the point) where I showed a screenshot of dogs running in a field, cut to me saying ‘seriously, who let the dogs out’, cut to a picture of one hit wonder rapper ‘Sisqo’ and finally me doing a hands on hip cheeky mom-like ‘Sisqo’ to camera. Basically I’m blaming Sisqo for letting the dogs out. It was a stupid Vine. Then today, after checking my ‘activity’ on Vine I get a comment from a young male saying ‘Sisqo didn’t even sing who let the dogs out you racist cunt.’

So in one fell swoop I not only got called a racist, but a cunt. REALLY? At first I got angry, exclaiming aloud ‘Doesn’t he know I was being sarcastic?’ I realize that Sisqo did not sing Who Let The Dogs Out. It was Baha Men, another one hit wonder artist with a ridiculous one hit wonder song. I realize the joke is pretty lame, but enough to warrant being called a RACIST CUNT?! I think not.

My next emotion was sad. “why would someone who doesn’t know me at all call me a racist cunt?” and I let that boy affect me. I know that’s the number one rule of the internet. DON’T LISTEN TO HATERS ON THE INTERNET. THEY ARE SCUM. Number 2 rule being, clear your browser history if you’ve looked up something creepy;)

Then I wanted to get revenge. I clicked on my video to see if there were any other comments, and to my surprise the comment was gone. HE TOOK IT AWAY. That spineless fuck didn’t have the balls to leave up his hateful words for the world to see. (I know I called him a spineless fuck and I don’t know him, but now that I’m writing this I’m becoming mad again. I’m sorry. I’ll be an adult now.)

I clicked on his profile, and he seemed to be some regular teenager, just posting vids on Vine. I wanted to rebuttal. I wanted to explain to him that I wasn’t a racist cunt. I wanted to call him a cunt! But for what? What would that accomplish? I get that we have the right to free speech but come on people. Can’t we all just be a little nit nicer to each other? Who raised this boy to be so hateful? Was it nature or nurture? Does his mother knows he says these things? Was his mom a mean woman? Does he secretly hate himself? I have NO IDEA who this boy is. All I know is that he is a person I have NEVER met, talked to, or seen before and he called me a racist cunt. That shit boggles my mind.

I decided not to seek revenge. Instead, I took the higher road. I blocked him, reported him on Vine, and took down the video. What once was a silly video about Sisqo now just reminds me of negative feelings.

I’m not a saint or anything, but I can proudly say I’ve never purposely bashed anyone on the internet. I make fun of artists on Video On Trial, but that’s my job as a comedian and the premise of the show. I’ve been part of comedy roasts, where the whole point is to be mean. But there’s a context and boundaries. Comedians roast the ones we love. Comedians take the piss out of celebrities and politicians because there is a platform for it and the world knows that it is a JOKE. I’ve never called some poor dude a ‘fat fucking loser’ (or anything along those lines) just so I could feel better about myself. Because I wouldn’t feel better about myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is let’s all be a bit nicer to each other. There’s already enough terrible shit going on in the world then to name call over stupid Sisqo videos. Take a moment to think about what you’re saying before you make yourself look like an idot all over the internet. You are still responsible for your words even though you are not saying it to someone’s face. And finally, young sir who called me a racist cunt who is most certainly (not) reading this blog; if you did in fact believe that I was being racist  and cunty perhaps next time private message me and we can discuss. It was not my intention to come off that way, and if I offended you,  I am sorry. Also, I apologize to Sisqo for using him as the butt of my lame joke.

Oh, the internet.

Hello world.

Considering I’m a young adult, you would think that I have all the tech savvy in the world, right?! Wrong. I can type fast. I can understand basic social media. And if I really have to(but I hate doing it) I can trouble shoot a minor computer problem and feel proud of myself for completing such a daunting task. But the truth is I like doing a lot of stuff the old fashioned way, because I guess I’m scared of the unknown.

Up until recently I went to the teller to deposit a cheque. Because I liked giving my hard earned money to a human. But now, I go to the ATM and online banking has made maying bills and transferring funds super easy. I feared it at first. But now I really like it. I’d like to think that I’m an adventurous person who loves trying new things but I can actually be a stubborn scared baby sometimes. I convince myself that I won’t like something, or I won’t be able to do something. Then I do it….and I’m happy. I should have more faith in myself.

The new internet thing I’m trying, is selling my shit online. I’m moving in June and realized I just have too much stuff. I’ve been hoarding for 5 years and I have nice clothes, jewellery, bed etc to get rid of. BUT HOW?! I originally had an apartment part sale. For all of my friends to come over, look at my stuff, and buy what they wanted. This was horribly unsuccessful. I didn’t promote it enough. and My friends don’t have a ton of money. So why would they want my stuff?

I thought about making an etsy account. But not all of my stuff is vintage…so that’s a problem. What about ebay you say? I don’t know about ebay. There’s fee’s and shipping and confusion and AH. So I thought I’d try my selling some stuff on Kijiji. But that’s also a pain in the ass too. IF you get a response, usually someone’s trying to lowball you and then you have to meet this potential weirdo and do a creepy exchange. I refuse to let people from the internet into my house. I think that’s fair? You could be completely lovely and just want to buy a pair of my super cute shoes, OR you could want to eat my skin. Probably not the latter but I don’t want to take that chance.

So here I am, with all this nice clothing and shoes that I need to get rid of. Why don’t you donate it, Julia? Well, I did that with about 10 bags of clothes already and I saved some of the never worn/expensive stuff. I don’t want to just give it away! I’m making a few more pathetic attempts of posting my stuff on Facebook and now in this blog to get rid of my wardrobe. If all else fails, I’ll take it to a consignment store and get mere pennies for my treasures. and if they don’t want it, then fuck em. I guess i’ll just keep my stuff!

PS anyone wanna buy a bed?

HOT DOG!

Hello fellow Torontonians and people from across the world who obviously read my blog!

I don’t know what it’s doing everywhere else, but in Toronto, SUMMER IS HERE! We didn’t really have spring, because spring is so 2012. 2013 is all about summer. That is a fact I just made up. The past week has been absolutely gorgeous and I feel like we’ll get punished next week. With the good, always comes the bad. If it were nice ALL the time we wouldn’t appreciate it right? RIGHT?! It’s beautiful days like the ones we’ve been having that make me glad I’m not a server on a patio anymore. Serving on a patio is the worse. It’s hot, people are annoying, you work your tits off and you’re jealous off all the assholes you’re serving because all you want to do is sit your tired ass down and have a beer a nachos too.

These are my real friends ;)

So what I’m trying to say is tip your servers nicely:) They work hard. Well, most of them…

Another reason why I’m excited about summer is the explosion of dogs in parks. Dogs are everywhere. This makes me happy. In the winter if I see a dog that I like walking down the street, I usually ask to pet it. A cute dog can really make my day. Sometimes dog owners are dicks and they way all the cute dog love for themselves.

In the summertime however, dog owners are WAY cooler. They want everyone to get a piece of their adorable dog. It’s like having a hot girlfriend or boyfriend that you want to show the world. Just be like “HEY! Look what I got! what do you got? ya losers!”

I’m very happy for this, because this means I get to pet cute dogs ALWAYS. I got to hold (yes hold…the owner told me to pick up her dog) a long haired wiener puppy the other day. It’s fur was the softest thing I have ever felt. Like a bunny rabbit.

I also got to pet a ton of dogs in trinity bellwoods. It’s alarming how many random dog pics I have on my iPhone. You can’t do that with other people kids. ‘Hey can I take a picture of your kid? She’s adorable!’ Lucky for me, I don’t like kids.

Since I don’t have a day job, and have been relying on acting and stand-up as my source of income, I’ve seriously considered becoming a dog walker. However, I would want to be picky about the dogs I walked. Preferably french bulldogs, pugs and any dog like looks like my former childhood dog, Sammie. But how would I do that? post an ad like THIS?!:

HEY! DO YOU HAVE PUGS OR FRENCH BULLDOGS THAT NEED WALKING? OR DO YOU HAVE ANY DOGS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS?

IF SO, I WILL WALK THEM! AS LONG AS YOU PAY ME! YAAAAAY!

CALL 555-555-5555 IF YOU WANT THE COOLEST DOG WALKER EVER.

For some reason I don’t think that will work. In the meantime, I’ll stick to petting other people dogs in the park. and maybe one day when I can finally take care of myself, I’ll have a dog of my own:)

Julia Comedy Dot Com