Hello world.

Considering I’m a young adult, you would think that I have all the tech savvy in the world, right?! Wrong. I can type fast. I can understand basic social media. And if I really have to(but I hate doing it) I can trouble shoot a minor computer problem and feel proud of myself for completing such a daunting task. But the truth is I like doing a lot of stuff the old fashioned way, because I guess I’m scared of the unknown.

Up until recently I went to the teller to deposit a cheque. Because I liked giving my hard earned money to a human. But now, I go to the ATM and online banking has made maying bills and transferring funds super easy. I feared it at first. But now I really like it. I’d like to think that I’m an adventurous person who loves trying new things but I can actually be a stubborn scared baby sometimes. I convince myself that I won’t like something, or I won’t be able to do something. Then I do it….and I’m happy. I should have more faith in myself.

The new internet thing I’m trying, is selling my shit online. I’m moving in June and realized I just have too much stuff. I’ve been hoarding for 5 years and I have nice clothes, jewellery, bed etc to get rid of. BUT HOW?! I originally had an apartment part sale. For all of my friends to come over, look at my stuff, and buy what they wanted. This was horribly unsuccessful. I didn’t promote it enough. and My friends don’t have a ton of money. So why would they want my stuff?

I thought about making an etsy account. But not all of my stuff is vintage…so that’s a problem. What about ebay you say? I don’t know about ebay. There’s fee’s and shipping and confusion and AH. So I thought I’d try my selling some stuff on Kijiji. But that’s also a pain in the ass too. IF you get a response, usually someone’s trying to lowball you and then you have to meet this potential weirdo and do a creepy exchange. I refuse to let people from the internet into my house. I think that’s fair? You could be completely lovely and just want to buy a pair of my super cute shoes, OR you could want to eat my skin. Probably not the latter but I don’t want to take that chance.

So here I am, with all this nice clothing and shoes that I need to get rid of. Why don’t you donate it, Julia? Well, I did that with about 10 bags of clothes already and I saved some of the never worn/expensive stuff. I don’t want to just give it away! I’m making a few more pathetic attempts of posting my stuff on Facebook and now in this blog to get rid of my wardrobe. If all else fails, I’ll take it to a consignment store and get mere pennies for my treasures. and if they don’t want it, then fuck em. I guess i’ll just keep my stuff!

PS anyone wanna buy a bed?

Hello fellow Torontonians and people from across the world who obviously read my blog!

I don’t know what it’s doing everywhere else, but in Toronto, SUMMER IS HERE! We didn’t really have spring, because spring is so 2012. 2013 is all about summer. That is a fact I just made up. The past week has been absolutely gorgeous and I feel like we’ll get punished next week. With the good, always comes the bad. If it were nice ALL the time we wouldn’t appreciate it right? RIGHT?! It’s beautiful days like the ones we’ve been having that make me glad I’m not a server on a patio anymore. Serving on a patio is the worse. It’s hot, people are annoying, you work your tits off and you’re jealous off all the assholes you’re serving because all you want to do is sit your tired ass down and have a beer a nachos too.

These are my real friends

So what I’m trying to say is tip your servers nicely:) They work hard. Well, most of them…

Another reason why I’m excited about summer is the explosion of dogs in parks. Dogs are everywhere. This makes me happy. In the winter if I see a dog that I like walking down the street, I usually ask to pet it. A cute dog can really make my day. Sometimes dog owners are dicks and they way all the cute dog love for themselves.

In the summertime however, dog owners are WAY cooler. They want everyone to get a piece of their adorable dog. It’s like having a hot girlfriend or boyfriend that you want to show the world. Just be like “HEY! Look what I got! what do you got? ya losers!”

I’m very happy for this, because this means I get to pet cute dogs ALWAYS. I got to hold (yes hold…the owner told me to pick up her dog) a long haired wiener puppy the other day. It’s fur was the softest thing I have ever felt. Like a bunny rabbit.

I also got to pet a ton of dogs in trinity bellwoods. It’s alarming how many random dog pics I have on my iPhone. You can’t do that with other people kids. ‘Hey can I take a picture of your kid? She’s adorable!’ Lucky for me, I don’t like kids.

Since I don’t have a day job, and have been relying on acting and stand-up as my source of income, I’ve seriously considered becoming a dog walker. However, I would want to be picky about the dogs I walked. Preferably french bulldogs, pugs and any dog like looks like my former childhood dog, Sammie. But how would I do that? post an ad like THIS?!:

HEY! DO YOU HAVE PUGS OR FRENCH BULLDOGS THAT NEED WALKING? OR DO YOU HAVE ANY DOGS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS?

IF SO, I WILL WALK THEM! AS LONG AS YOU PAY ME! YAAAAAY!

CALL 555-555-5555 IF YOU WANT THE COOLEST DOG WALKER EVER.

For some reason I don’t think that will work. In the meantime, I’ll stick to petting other people dogs in the park. and maybe one day when I can finally take care of myself, I’ll have a dog of my own:)

I don’t know if this is the most appropriate title for this blog, but holy shit, I forgot that you can still smoke inside in some places!?

I’m in Atlanta, Georgia for the laughing skull Comedy Festival.

I went to Vortex last night(which is attached to the laughing skull comedy club) before seeing one of my friends shows and thought I saw a man smoking an electric cigarette. I was amazed by how real looking this ‘electric’ cigarette was, even convincing myself that they now make them to smell like tobacco. Then I realized, I’m in the South and you’re allowed to do that! Even though I don’t smoke(well, maybe the occasional one during the summer after I’ve had 5 pints on a patio) I found the idea of smoking inside dangerous, gross and kind of exciting.

Vortex Bar and Grill with Eric and Jenny

The way my clothes smelled after really turned me off, but surprisingly I didn’t really mind it while I was there. I did have memories of being a kid eating at Mexicali Rosa’s in the Glebe in Ottawa with my family, and the non smoking section being right next to the smoking section. As a kid I hated it. And if it were still legal in Canada I’d probably hate it now too. But in Atlanta, it makes sense. Great burgers at Vortex Bar and Grill by the way. And we had a really fun server named Emily. American’s just do hospitality better for the most part.

Last night was the first quarter final round of the festival. I went to see what the show format was all about. 12 comedians. each doing 5 minutes. It’s a long show. especially when the crowd is super drunk. 4 our of 12 comedians move on. 2 go directly to the semi-finals and 2 go to a wild card round. My friend and fellow comic Jenny Z moved onto the wild card round! yay!

My quarter final show is tomorrow at 10:30PM and I am DEAD LAST. 12th. Ugh. I’m trying to figure out what jokes I want to do. Because in this competition you can’t repeat material. So do I do my best jokes in the first round to improve my chances of moving on? or do I save them for later, assuming I’ll move on? Who the hell knows. Comedy competitions are always a crap shoot. There’s not a specific formula you can apply to them. I guess just go in with no expectations and hope to have fun? Sure. I’ll try that.

I have a show tonight at Warren City Club, which is not part of the competition. Just for fun. I think I’ll try some of my ‘weirder’ jokes to see how an Atlanta audience might react. When I say ‘weirder’ I mean jokes of mine that don’t always kill. HA! They are jokes that I really love, and enjoy telling but sometimes they don’t hit with every audience. people either love it or don’t really jive with it.

With most competitions our act is being judged on creativity, writing, crowd response etc. so I want to tell jokes that showcase all of that. Sure I could air jerk off onstage and get some cheap laughs, but I don’t think that will win me any points with the judges!

Today I went to Mary Mac’s Tea Room with fellow comedian, Eric Andrews. He is also in the competition and will be performing tomorrow night at 8PM. Mary Mac’s in insane. 6 or 7 dining rooms in this giant old house. I had fried chicken smothered in gravy over rice, a tomato pie(which was like lasagne without the noodles) and fruit(because I didn’t want to have a heart attack) SO GOOD!

This, like many other trips, is going to be about food and comedy. My two loves:)

So if you’re in Atlanta PLEASE come and check out the shows! It’s going to be the best.

Julia Hladkowicz
Friday 3/29 10:30 PM: Quarter-Finals (Laughing Skull)
Saturday 3/30 10:30 PM: Smiths Olde Bar
Saturday 3/30 8:00 PM: 529
Thursday 3/28 10:30 PM: Warren City Club

http://www.laughingdevil.com/skullfestival/about.cfm?Type=About

Here I am, as promised, following up with you all about my To Do list.

Unfortunately I broke the first rule of TO DO listing….NEVER TALK ABOUT TO DO LISTS! Just kidding. But I did break my own rule. I didn’t write every single thing down. I under estimated how long certain things would take to do, and got caught up with sub categories of things on my To Do. The list is recapped below.

1) the proof reading thing I said before

2)new stand-up ideas

3)figure out set for tonight

4)figure out set for breast cancer fundraiser

5)memorize lines for audition

6)continue developing feature(it’s ok if it sucks Julia just do it)

7)e-mail festival co-ordinator

8)book driving lesson(learning to drive was on an old To Do list, and now I’ve booked my G2 lesson for April! See? this shit works.)

9)print resumes

10)podcast meeting

11)Write follow up blog tomorrow

12)finish blog.

For example, 9)print resumes, turned out to be a much more time consuming task than anticipated. I had to update it, reformat it, and put new letter head on it.

I also started submitting myself for different acting gigs, helping my sister out with her trip to LA and booking shows. I should have written all those things on my To Do list, but didn’t. Therefor I did not have the satisfaction of crossing them off. DAMN. (it’s the little things people, don’t judge me)

Before I knew it, it was time to leave the Starbucks and head to my podcast meeting with fellow comedian and super babe, Amanda Brooke Perrin. Luckily, we got a lot done and finally decided on a name for our podcast. WE’RE DOING IT! No seriously, we’re doing it. That’s the name of our podcast. We’re super jazzed. I’m excited that we’re finally doing it and we’re recording our fist episode on Monday. Success!

I also completed numbers 3,4,5,7,9, 10 and am currently doing 11.

I didn’t develop any new stand-up ideas(however, I did come up with some new tags for jokes!) and I didn’t work on my feature or book a driving lesson.

Rule #2 of To Do listing. Don’t set unreal expectations for yourself. I had good intentions of getting all that stuff done, but can’t beat myself up about not completing everything. I worked hard all day and on top of all that had a show that night and a friends birthday to attend. I’ll continue with my feature tomorrow, it’s not the end of the world!

Rule/Reality #3. Sometimes you get really sick and can’t do a damn thing.

I was supposed to have a BIG day today. Audition at 9, a college gig in Brampton at noon, Doc appointment, yoga class and then another show at 9. I was pumped for my crazy day. However I woke up this morning feeling like a bag of dicks. I cancelled my audition, and thought for a moment I wasn’t going to be able to make it to the college gig. Luckily I didn’t shit my pants in the car, and pure adrenaline pulled me through my 40 minute set. Once I got home I was too ill and had to call in sick to my doctor’s appointment. WHO CALLS IN SICK TO A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT!? I do. I was too messed up to get on a subway. Unfortunately I also had to cancel my show tonight. Soooo now the only thing on my To Do list is finishing this blog and then resting.

I’m performing at Yuk Yuks Vaughn this weekend, the land of opportunity, so I can’t be feeling sick!

Oh yeah, I also didn’t complete #1 on my to do list which is GET PEOPLE TO PROOFREAD MY SHIT. I still haven’t done that, and probably won’t for this blog, so deal with it.

Bye for now! Have fun with your lists. They will help you achieve your wildest dreams and conquer the world. (maybe)

Hugs,

Julia

There is nothing more satisfying than crossing things off your TO DO list.

Well, I can think of a few things that are better, but to do lists are still a gay old time.

With every task you cross off you feel a sense of accomplishment. Crossing it off is a mini reward. and when you see a whole list of crossed off stuff you just want to hug a cat.

Lately, as in every day of my life, I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed. I just think of all the tasks I have to do or want to get done and instead of setting out of a journey of accomplishment I crumble and watch Netflix, hoping it will all go away. Was that a run on sentence?

TO DO:

1) Learn better grammar and sentence structure. (to be honest that probably won’t happen…but I’ll get someone to proof read my stuff. A compromise.)

Yesterday I made an epic To Do list. I wrote down everything, no matter how small. (minus brushing my teeth, taking a dump etc. that’s just silly…kinda…)

Once everything was in front of me, none of it seemed as daunting. I made appointments, vacuumed, did laundry, dishes, cleaned my room, started packing, made soup, did some banking, looked up apartments, set up a photoshoot, went to yoga and more. I crossed 16 things off my to do list.

The 4 remaining things were;

-memorize lines for audition, write blog post, develop stand-up ideas, continue writing feature film.

Of course I left all the scary creative stuff until last. It’s amazing that when you have something you know you should really do, you’ll do every mundane task in the world before getting to it. Don’t get me wrong, I had to get all that ‘boring’ shit out of the way. But now that that’s settled, I have no excuse but to press forward with my writing. Starting with this blog.

I’m currently crossing off one of my to do’s, and it feels great. However, part of me doesn’t want this blog to end because then I know I have to move on to the memorizing and the writing and the pressure and the ‘oh my god I don’t want to fail’ bullshit.

For me, writing is like going to the gym. The hardest part is getting there, but once I’m there I’m fine and when I’m done I’m so happy I went. Does that make sense? Sometimes I feel guilty, because as a stand-up, actor and writer shouldn’t I want to always be memorizing, writing and creating? Guilt is a useless emotion, if you can even call it that, and bottom line is that sometimes I’m just lazy and scared. I hope I’m making sense.

So here I am. At Starbucks so I can’t get distracted at home by baking or cleaning or making up excuses why I’m too busy to write.

Here is the rest of my TO DO list, for the rest of the day. I’ll report back tomorrow to let you know how I did.

1) the proof reading thing I said before

2)new stand-up ideas

3)figure out set for tonight

4)figure out set for breast cancer fundraiser

5)memorize lines for audition

6)continue developing feature(it’s ok if it sucks Julia just do it)

7)e-mail festival co-ordinator

8)book driving lesson(learning to drive was on an old To Do list, and now I’ve booked my G2 lesson for April! See? this shit works.)

9)print resumes

10)podcast meeting

11)Write follow up blog tomorrow

12)finish blog.

Guys I just finished #12! See you tomorrow.

Hugs and other drugs,

Julia

***WARNING! THIS BLOG MAY HAVE TYPOS AND/OR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS. DEEEEEEL WITH IT;)*** Get it? Deel? ha…

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU!

Well that’s a bunch of poppycock if you ask me. I’ve never been big on New Years Resolutions. Whenever I tell myself that I need to do something, I usually do the opposite. I guess I have a bit of a problem with authority? Even if I’m the one with authority, I don’t want to listen to myself…if that makes sense.

For example; I bought a Groupon for a month unlimited hot yoga at a studio literally 2 minutes walking distance from my house. I told myself I would go immediately. I had good intentions. I even postponed my current gym membership at the YMCA(which I seldom use) to truly focus on my yoga. Well, long story short I didn’t go to yoga OR to the gym for 5 months until I realized that the yoga was going to expire and I didn’t want to waste my $50. Only then, after a big meal of scrambled eggs and bacon did I force myself to go. In that month I went 14 times!

I cannot do this. Yet...

As soon as I set high expectations for myself I panic and immediately give up. I feel like I’ll fail even before I’ve started so I just don’t do anything at all. I tend to do things when I’m at a last resort. Here is another example. Christmas 2011 I was very sick. Had a chronic cold from October to December and I didn’t do a damn thing about it. I knew that meat, cheese, caffeine and alcohol were bad for the immune system, but I continued to pile them into my face anyway. My sister being vegan, I had be toying with the idea of cutting out meat and dairy for a while but just didn’t seem to give a shit. New Years Eve 2011 after performing at Yuk Yuks we all went to a BBQ place in Ottawa. It was amazing. I gorged myself on smoked shrimp, pulled pork, chicken thighs, brisket and god knows what else. When I woke up January 1st, 2012 with a bad case of the meat sweats, it was decided. I would attempt being vegan for as long as I saw fit. It lasted 2 months. and because I was eating better, I was drinking less, spending less money out and working out more. It was great! Until I caved and started eating meat again…

I did not eat this kid. Yet...

So for 2013 I am not going to make any concrete resolutions, because if I do, I’ll be doomed. There are things I want to do more of, but I won’t put so much pressure on myself. I’m thinking about cutting out meat again for a while, and having cheat days every one in a while. (At breakfast this morning I got tomato slices instead of bacon…that’s a big deal for me because bacon is bacon. The best.)

I also want to work out more so I signed up for SIX MONTHS of unlimited yoga at the same yoga studio from before. It was a bit of a cash investment so if I don’t go I’m going to look and feel like a big old idiot.

I want to write more. HELLO, doing it right now…soooo I’m happy:) Sure, this isn’t a masterpiece, but baby steps!

Last but not least (and this is a big one) I’m going to try my darndest not to give a damn about what other people are doing. What other comics are booking. What other comics are writing. What actors are doing what. FUCK IT. I was to focus on ME and MY career because I’m different than anyone else out there, and our paths are not going to be the same. This is the hardest ‘resolution’ (even though I don’t want to call it a resolution) of all. It’s not always about the end result, it’s the journey! (cheesy but true)

See, my grade 7 teacher saw my potential despite the end result...

So we’ll see if I end up listening to myself. This is my approach to 2013. Taking everything one day at a time. Hopefully I’ll sleep better at night and not wake up at 5am thinking about the auditions I’m not getting, my parents smoking and health, the bags under my eyes and wrinkles I already have at 25, that extra pint I had at the bar, the gig I didn’t book, or that one day I’ll wake up at 45 realizing I never accomplished my dreams. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE, RIGHT????

One last thing. I want to hang out with more dogs. I fucking love dogs.

My sisters adorable dogs that I got to cuddle with over the holidays.

DECEMBER IS HERE!

It hardly feel like it because of the lack of snow, but hey I’m not complaining. If I had it my way the snow would hold off until Christmas morning, and then mother nature would take a beautiful white dump on all of our lawns. By boxing day, it would be gone!

I like snow but only in designated areas. I’d really like to go skiing sometime this year. I haven’t been since I was 16. That’s 9 years ago. NINE!!!! I’m a little bit terrified, but skiing is like riding a bike right? (wrong) There are so many things I did as a child and teen that now terrify me. I need to face my fears and start doing some of the things I love again. Horseback riding, skiing, roller coasters,  BUILDING SNOW FORTS! For the record, I was never afraid of snow forts, but it’s just something I want to do again.

I love the holidays. I’m a sucker for tradition. I just turned 25 this year and for the first time in my life I realized that I’m no longer a stupid kid, and that scares me. I’m a stupid adult, sure, but that doesn’t feel as fun. The thought of growing old both scares and excites me. George Bernard Shaw said that ‘Youth is wasted on the young’ and he was right. I wish I could have savoured those childhood moments more, but how was I to know? Memories are very important to me and I feel like some of them are already drifting away. I should try drinking less and blogging more!

Speaking about drinking, this morning  was flipping through LCBO’s Food and Drink Magazine and holy shit I want to eat and drink everything! The holidays are about The 3 F’s for me. Food, Friends and Family in my opinion. Mostly Food. (Shhh, don’t tell my friends or family!) What’s so nice about the 3 F’s is that they go so perfectly hand in hand. I’ve rarely met someone who says ‘I’m not a a big fan of eating’. I say rarely, because it has happened once and I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it.

Cooking, baking, watching cooking shows, chopping, grocery shopping, all things that I find so soothing and comforting. I love the holidays because I get to go home to Ottawa and feel somewhat like a kid again. The thought of drinking hot cocoa in my sun room while watching the Simpsons makes me want to pee my pants with joy.

Before I get carried away in thought, I need to get all my christmas shopping out of the way. Now that I’m a stupid adult, I feel like I want to get my parents something legit. I can no longer just get my mom soap from the body shop, or my dad a Dean Koontz novel. Those days are over. and while they say they don’t want anything(I believe them, but I won’t listen) I want to get them something nice, because they don’t buy themselves enough gifts!

I have to review my financial situation because I JUST QUIT MY DAY JOB! Screw you restaurant job! I’m officially supporting myself with comedy/acting and the odd BJ. (ew gross, just kidding)

When one door closes, another one opens! There are a lot of projects in the works, and I’m confident that one of them will work out. If not then maybe I’ll have to re-think that BJ comment. By the way, BJ stands for Bacon Juice…I think it’ll really take off…

With present buying, comes mall frequenting and I have a love/hate relationship with malls are Christmas time. On one hand it remind me of Christmas shopping with my Grammie and on the other it reminds me of how much I want to punch everyone in the face. I hope to get it done in the next week before people turn into complete holidays horrors.

I’ll let you know how it goes! Bye for now!

Hugs,

Julia

So it’s been a while.

I’m sorry. The summer was so busy and I think I actually forgot that I had a blog to tend to! Now that it’s fall, I plan on cozying up with my laptop and giving my website the attention she deserves!

I’ll make this quick because I’m in a bit of a haze from eating turkey and other (Canadian) thanksgiving leftovers for the past week. Turkey makes you tired. It’s full tryptophan, or so I’ve heard. I’ve made everything from turkey sandwiches to turkey soup and quite frankly I never want to look at turkey again.

I am currently drinking red wine and getting ready to film the last few scenes of a comedic short called ‘SECRET CLUBHOUSE’ written by the hilarious and lovely Sara Hennessey. I’ve been having a blast on set so far, but tonight the scenes take place outside, and it’s very cold. And rainy. Did I mention I’m a bit of a temperature extremist/wuss?

http://www.facebook.com/secretclubhousemovie?notif_t=fbpage_fan_invite

I’m also one of those assholes who will say things like ‘I’m so hot I could die’ or ‘I’m so cold I could puke!’ Replace hot with hungry and cold with full; I am also one of those people.

Regardless of the sad weather, I’m sure the shoot will be great. I get to play a bitchy insecure fashionista who thinks she is too cool for school. It’s fun playing a bitch because I’m just so darn nice in real life;)

After this long night of shooting I’ll hopefully squeeze in a few hours of sleep and wakeup refreshed and ready to go to the GARLIC FEST AT BRICKWORKS! I’m so excited. I haven’t been to a garlic fest since I was a kid, and I don’t remember a lot of it but I remember that I had a great time and came back smelling like vampires nightmare.

http://new.torontogarlicfestival.ca/index.php

Before that I’m heading out to check out t-shirt fabric swatches, because guess what, I’m getting T-Shirts made! I’m finally ready to sell some @juliacomedy swag. The t-shirt will say:

“I WILL EAT YOUR FOUL BALLS”

-@juliacomedy

I’ll save the explanation…you’ll just have to come see one of my sets to understand! I’m very excited about the shirt especially because on thursday I’ll be heading out west for my first time for a 10 day tour! Calgary and Edmonton I hope you want to buy foul balls! I have 5 shows at Calgary Yuk Yuks, 4 shows at Edmonton Yuk Yuks and I’m headlining a college gig at Grant MacEwan University. check out www.yukyuks.com for showtimes and info!

With that said, I gotta run out into this rain and make movie magic. I hope you are all warm and cozy on this blustery Saturday night. Talk soon!

Hugs,

Julia

Going to the movie theatre makes me anxious. It’s supposed to be a time filled with excitement, drama and junk food but for me it is usually the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I want to like going to the theatre, and sometimes I really do but most times I just want to strangle everyone around me. I have compiled a list of people who shouldn’t be allowed at the theatre.

1. Old people

2. Kids

3. People who breath like overweight pugs

4. Loud popcorn eaters

5. Chatty assholes

6. Most teenagers

7. Obnoxious laughers

8. Farters

9. Burpers

10. Coughers

11. Mouth breathers

12. The unwashed

13. Tall haired folk

14. Texters

15. People who say the last thing the person said on screen for comedic effect.

So, that’s just a brief list, I could go on forever. People seem to forget that they are in public when they go to movie theatres. There is no longer any movie theatre etiquette. I get that you want to to enjoy the Bourne Legacy on the big screen with your friends, but SO DO I. I was at a movie theatre while in San Jose on vacation and there were a team of chatty cathy’s behind us that commented on every single thing that happened during the movie.

That was not even the worse part. A disgusting slug of a man who looked like a blob of old skin rustled his bag of popcorn for the first hour of the movie so loudly that I could have strangled him. Every time he shoved his fat fist into the greasy bag it was like to was digging for gold at the end of a loud crackling tunnel. Why can’t someone invent a soundless bag? Why must we serve a crunchy treat in a stiff paper bag at the movie theatre? We should start serving marshmallows in a basket made of dead kittens. That wouldn’t make any sound at all and the world would be a better place.

As if the popcorn fiasco wasn’t enough, when he finally finished he wiped his hands for abut 4o minutes on a dirty old stiff napkin as he struggled to breath and hacked up kernels that seemed to be lodged in his old man throat.

Needless to say I hated the Bourne Legacy. Was it because of the old man? Probably. I don’t know how it was possible, but his noises were louder than a drawn out intense motor cycle chase. Also, during The Dark Night Rises a mother and her son talked loudly during every quiet part in the movie. When my boyfriend turned around to politely ask them to stop talking they looked at him like he had just told them to suck a bucket of assholes. They gave the whole ‘who the fuck is this guy?’ look, as if they weren’t doing anything wrong.

I would like to invent a movie theatre that has those big giant cushy headphones at each seat. That way you can not only listen to the film at the volume of your choosing, but you can drown out all those other hillbillies who don’t know how to act in public.

Am I a bit crazy? Yes. But do I also have a valid point? Yes.

Next time you go to the movies, realize that there are other people around you who also paid $12 for a ticket and $20 on snacks. We all don’t know each other and have to be shoved in a dark room together for a few hours, but let’s bond over the fact that we share a common interest. We all want to enjoy this movie. So let’s respect that maw fuckas!

Happy movie going!!! hahaaaaaaaaa

Hello  everyone!

I hope that you’ve been enjoying the sweltering heat that has lasted all of July. I’m kind of getting used to being a gross sweaty ball of moisture, I don’t know how my body will react when temperatures drop!

Ok that was me trying to be really positive. Truth is I hate this weather. It makes me tired, cranky, lazy and I dare say unfunny. It’s so hot that I don’t feel like writing or telling jokes. If I come up with a new jokes idea I feel that the heat immediately melts that idea into a pool of shit. BUT I’ve been trying hard lately to stay positive. Positive thoughts equal positive results right?

On top of all this positive thinking I’m trying to eat ‘positively’. I’ve been treating my body like a dumpster lately. Poutine, chicken wings, pulled pork, ice cream, and BEER. Beer is a sneaky asshole who pretends to be your friend and then makes you ass fat. Most people like to lose a few pounds in the summer. Not me. I like to sit on patios, drink and avoid the gym. In the winter I’m so damn cold and shivering all the time that I think I lose weight. It’s a backwards system that I’m trying to change. So this is day 3 of ‘eating healthy and working out’ and so far I feel like garbage. Maybe because my body is still getting rid of all the bad toxins and all that garbage. whatever it is, I don’t like it and I would really like to take a nap. Thanks to new ‘positive’ thinking, I know that this faze will pass and soon I will feel amazing…RIGHT!?!

I do have some fun things to look forward to though. Tonight I’m going to be doing a show called “Strip Comedy” when comics tell jokes and if they aren’t funny, they must remove a layer of clothing. I have no intention on getting naked so I decided that I will go out and buy some sort of fur or hair and somehow attach it to my body. Soooo if I have to take off some layers, people will get to see a hairy she beast.

This weekend I’m in Oakville at Yuk Yuks with the hilarious Ryan Horwood and Winston Spear and Thursday August 2nd I’ll be a guest on The Boom show. The Boom is one of the best sketch troupes in Canada that have their own monthly show at The Drake Hotel. I’ll be doing sketches with them and there will be some awesome stand-up comedy as well. If you’ve never seen a boom show before, THIS IS THE ONE TO SEE!

Then the next day I jet off to San Jose to meet up with fellow man lover and comedian, Matt O’Brien. Right now I’m in the process of booking shows, so if anyone in the Bay Area is reading this…Matt and I are free August 3-10 to do your shows!

Well, there’s a little re-cap of what’s been happening in July. More details to come! Stay cool.

Julia